Train of thought, derailed

Let's say I call you at work . . .
"Hi. You've reached the voicemailbox of Mitch Johnson. I'm either on the phone or away from my desk. Please leave your name, number, and a brief message at the beep and I'll get back to you as soon as possible. Have a nice day."

Then the phone system kicks in. . .
"To leave a message, begin speaking at the tone. Finish by pressing the pound sign or just hanging up. To page this person, press 1 now. To reach the operator, press zero."

Beep.

Another 39 seconds of my life has been lost.

Am I just impatient or is this excessive? When I'm calling from a cell phone, that leaves me 20 seconds or less to talk before I burn into another minute. Ah ha, maybe that's it. The phone company likes long messages so they get more money. Hmm.

Let's analyze the annoyance level of each sentence:
You've reached the voicemailbox of Mitch Johnson.
-- Low annoyance. This confirms to me that I didn't misdial.

I'm either on the phone or away from my desk.
-- EXTREMELY ANNOYING. Two problems here 1) it may not be true, and 2) I couldn't care less

Please leave your name, number, and a brief message at the beep and I'll get back to you as soon as possible.
-- EXTREMELY ANNOYING. I'll leave the info I wanna leave cuz this is America, Jack! And I think the wording would be better as "I'll get back to you when I feel like it".

Have a nice day
-- Low annoyance. This confirms to me that you're not an ass, even though you really dont care what kind of day I have.

To leave a message, begin speaking at the tone.
-- EXTREMELY ANNOYING. I type good sentence now but drool on keyburd have me no type good now.

Finish by pressing the pound sign or just hanging up.
-- Somewhat annoying, but useful. Sometime you need more options so just say 'for more options, press pound'

To page this person, press 1 now.
-- Shouldn't this be buried under the pound sign option?

To reach the operator, press zero.
-- Isn't that the point of the OPERATOR button on your phone? They went to all the trouble to print "OPER" or "Operator" on the damn button. Ugh.



Now I call you at home . . .
"Hi. You've reached the Johnson residence. We can't come to the phone right now, but if you leave your name, number, and a message at the beep we'll get back to you as soon as possible. Thanks."

I won't even go into an example message where you have some 'cool' song playing in the background. I'm not going to leave a message anyway. You may just get a "wow", click.

If I'm smart enough to know how to dial a phone, am I smart enough to know that the beep is a Pavlovian prompt to begin speaking? There are no instructions on how to dial; why do I need instructions on when to speak?


So the ideal message for work is
"You've reached Mitch Johnson. Have a Nice Day."
Then let the system kick in to dumb-it-down and spell-it-out for me.

And the ideal message for home is
"You've reached the Johnsons. Please leave a message."


Beep